Bittersweet

What an insanely hard but incredible week! God's power is truly made perfect in our weakness! My grandma passed away a little over a week ago (January 19). It was bittersweet. It is so hard to see someone that you love go through intense pain and then die, but the fact that she is with the Almighty God causes me to rejoice to no end! During a time of grieving with my family (which I've learned is needed), God spoke to us and said that we should not worry or mourn - she was standing right next to Him. I can't even fathom that. It is beyond what my human mind can understand. Standing next to our Creator! AAH!
These past few weeks with my family has been wonderful. We needed each other so much during this time, and I'm so blessed to have the family I do. Meema started a legacy in our family and it is only going to continue. She has 6 grandchildren that are Spirit-filled and love the Lord above all else. We're ready to be the mighty warriors for Christ that He's called us to be! I got the privilege to speak at my grandma's funeral and share what Meema began in our family. What a blessing! She lived her last 23 days completely for the Lord. Her body and mind were sick, but her spirit was so alive, prepared at any moment to do the King's work. She would be sound asleep, but if someone she hadn't talked to would walk in the room, she would immediately wake up to bless them in Jesus' name. She has showed me how near to God I can be. He wants to be near us. He loves us! He is crazy about us! We were made in His image and are His children!
After experiencing the way my grandma lived her last weeks, I was inspired to change. I have had a tough week, but have loved every minute of it. I have enjoyed just being with God, learning to hear his voice more clearly. He wants every part of me and even though I don't deserve it, He gives back richly. I've been struggling with college and my roommate for most of the year. Thursday night, my roommate and I finally talked and I'm going to be switching rooms hopefully next week. It has been an ongoing battle with her. Thursday night I was prepared for her to come back and completely rip me apart - yell at me, insult me, whatever. But God told me..."I have not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love , and a sound-mind." That is exactly what I needed to hear. My roommate and I definitely needed to deal with some things. I had to stand firm for what I needed and believed in (power), but I had to do it out of love. The whole time I was waiting for her to come back, God kept reminding me that He was in control and that there was no reason to worry. What comfort!
So much more has happened this week, but I still need to let it all soak in. I am simply in awe of Christ!

My Battlefield

Back to school and back to my battlefield! God has been preparing me - fitting me with His armor and now I have nothing left to do but fight. Lord strengthen me and give me boldness!
Ephesians 6:10-18 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. and pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests."
I was pretty nervous about coming back to school, but I know that I am supposed to be here. God definitely has a plan for me here at school, even though it is a tough environment. One thing God really pointed out to me on my drive back was that He has already prepared me. He has armed me and equipped me with what I need to win the war. I am ready for battle. BUT, I have to fight! I'm the one that has to choose to take what He's given me and use it for His kingdom. On one hand, I know that I am so ready to handle this semester. God has exciting things for me here. But on the other hand, this is so hard. I wish that I could run back and be surrounded by my Christian family and Christian friends all the time, but I can't. I love being surrounded by people that encourage me in Christ. But, I have a purpose here. Today has been especially tough. I have felt incredibly lonely and overwhelmed. This morning I woke up and cried. I couldn't even begin to think about fighting...I was having enough trouble just walking on to my battlefield, but I've been reminded by my awesome friend Jen about God's promises.
"You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry" Psalm 10:17
"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you...Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." James 4:7-10
I need to take hold of what God is telling me and remember who I am in Christ. I need to dig in and push through. Praise God for His unending love and presence and for the incredible people like Jen that He has given me that feed me Scripture, encourage me, and are there for me when things are tough. I'm off to battle!

Drawing Near

The New Year began in the most wonderful way! When midnight hit and people everywhere were celebrating the New Year by watching the ball fall, drinking, partying it up with their friends or family, I was dwelling in the presence of the Most High God with 7 other leaders from our youth group. God has not been more real to me in a long time than He was that night. I felt Him, I heard Him, I saw how He was affecting the people around me. I didn't want to leave that place, and I don't have to really. It's my decision. God is always there just waiting for us to talk with Him and be with Him. Gosh, I am so selfish. He wants my everything and instead I go about my day, doing what I want to do, then when the day is almost over I open my Bible and give Him maybe an hour. He is changing my heart and my desires now and I am so grateful that He is so patient with me. I'm reading a book right now called Drawing Near by John Bevere. If you haven't ever read this book, you really should get on that. It is incredible! "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." James 4:8 I've settled way too often on just knowing God is there, but not really taking the time to become intimate with Him. I could go on and on about this book, but I'm just going to give you a little taste of it. Bevere emphasizes 3 key things throughout the book in order to develop a life of intimacy with God: Fearing God which requires obedience to God rather than to our own desires, Communication with God - understanding that prayer is a dialogue rather than a monologue (this itself just blows me away), and Desiring God's heart more than His blessings or what He can do for me.
God,
I want you. I need you every second of every day. I desire to be near you. Life's tough right now. I've hit my breaking point and I'm ashamed to say that I am running to you now when you were waiting for me all along. So, I'm sorry for being so selfish. But, thank you Lord for taking me back into your arms and reminding me of how much you love me. I am so unworthy! And God, I'll fail again. I know I will. You'll pick me up from this mess, straighten everything out and things will become great again. That's probably when I'll think I have it all together and choose to do things my own way again. I don't know why you do this over and over. Forgive me Lord. Change my heart O God! I'm yours. Take me, mold me into who you want me to be. You have big plans for me if I would just give it all to you. So, here I am Lord. I have a deep hunger for you. We hunger for what we feed on, so let me feed on you and keep that hunger burning. You are a God who is passionate about your relationship with me (Ex. 34:14). Thank you for being such an intimate God! I love you Father! Teach me to love you more than anything else.